Learning to Wobble

It's obvious that I've not participated in NaBloNoPo, which challenges bloggers to make a daily post in November.  I've been participating in NoBloInNo (No Blog posts In November) this month during which I've failed make even one post this month.  Outstanding indeed.

It's been a bitch of a month of parenting and quite frankly, I just haven't had the energy to even think about this.  I thought the high energy days of parenting were long behind me with the toddler years where I played goalie parent. I was mistaken.  I settled, quite happily I might add, into my current role as The Wallet and Car Keys.

But when Older Boy started testing the limits, well, all bets were off.  And it's a test I feel like I'm failing.

Today in yoga class, oddly enough, the universe spoke to me about parenting through the words of my teacher.  As we all struggled, she told us that she had difficulty with this pose for years.  "You have to learn to let yourself wobble.  Sometimes you might even fall.  But trust that balance will come," she said regarding this twisting pose which tested our balance.  Those words hit this control freak with great force in terms of parenting.  I am wobbling.  And some days I sure feel like I might hit the ground face first.  I don't know what I'm doing most of the time with this parenting thing.

So I'm going to let myself learn to wobble in parenting and know that I can't control everything.  I'm also going to trust balance will come in my parenting.  It's all I have.


Note: I've also been frustrated in dealing with the technical aspects of this site.  People tell me they post comments, yet they never appear or that it's very difficult to even post a comment.  As a result,  I'm looking into moving this blog to another service.  I will post an update when that happens. 

Hair Raising

I'm certainly not the first to point out that many aspects of a marriage require trust. First and foremost, the decision to marry requires that huge level of confidence that you will spend your life with this person. The decision to have children requires enormous trust, devotion and perhaps that third margarita. But of all the moments in my marriage where trust has been absolutely crucial, I am convinced that none has required a greater leap of faith than asking my husband to cut my hair.

It's messy but it's free.

Now I am not talking a simple straight across trim of the bangs or a quick clip to even up the split ends of shoulder length hair. My hair is short and I like it that way, mainly because I am exceedingly lazy about certain personal grooming rituals. Cutting my hair requires the artful use of scissors to create layers and texture. It also requires the use of barber shop style hair clippers with the number three attachment to buzz the back and sides.

When we first got married and were leaving for Peace Corps, I feared I’d look like Troglodyte woman. Not knowing whether our remote island community of Western Samoa would even have hair styling facilities, or sharp scissors for that matter, I began to panic. I’ve tried to grow long hair and it is not a pretty sight. My patience ends when my hair barely creeps over my ears and I immediately run screaming to have it chopped off. So knowing my husband was a tad bit on the anal retentive side, I thought he’d be the perfect candidate to learn the application of scissors to my head.

My stylist, who had cut my hair for years, offered to teach him the tricks of short hair styling. I was impressed when he brought a notepad, asked questions and drew sketches during his lesson. Just to be safe I had my hair cut two days before leaving the country.

Fearing that he might have to cut my hair with a machete, I purchased the As Seen on TV home haircutting kit. I figured it the cuts were too horrible for human viewing, I’d wear a baseball cap for two years. So dreading the day, and once again contemplating growing out my hair, my hair as grew fast and unruly as the banana trees in our backyard in the tropical heat. Humidity, while exceedingly kind to my skin, was not kind to my hair. And I'm happy to report during that time period, I only had one bad 'do that we dubbed the Stare Cut.

Upon our return home, I thought about visiting the salon.  But truth be told, I kind of liked having on demand, in-house hair care.  The other truth was, I was saving lots of money this way.  Short hair is high maintenance.  And I am cheap.

Maybe he can duct tape all my chins up when he's finished.

Twenty-one years later, he's still cutting it although it's a much less hair raising experience.  Now if I could just get him to do my quite neceassary monthly application of 5G Medium Golden Brown, I probably wouldn't spend one week a month looking like Gorbachev.

Samoa Earthquake

Twenty years ago, The Husband and I were serving as Peace Corps Volunteers in Western Samoa.  On September 30, just before 7 a.m., a massive 8.3 earthquake occured 120 miles from Apia, the capital city where we lived.  The earthquake triggered a tsunami that crashed 20 foot waves into this tiny island nation.  American Samoa was hit just as hard. 

The photos and stories recount the shocking devestation.  Thankfully, all 35 of the volunteers currently serving are alive but some had frightening stories to tell, like Erica who is truly lucky to be alive.  Matt's blog also recounts the aftermath.

We endured a few earthquakes while serving there, as well as Cyclones Gina and Ofa.  But nothing comes close to what the citizens of Samoa have gone through.  But Samoans, and Peace Corps Volunteers, are tough.  They will get through this.  They will survive.

Get a Room

The Tufts University student handbook now specifically prohibits students from having sex in their dorm room when their roommate is present.  The handbook further prohibits "Sexiling" or exiling a roommate for the purpose of engaging in sexual activity.


They had to have a rule for that?

I am afraid.  Very afraid.

 

Kickin' Asphalt

This column apeared in today's Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

It started as a mere snicker. A tee hee that morphed into the kind of laughter that suggests a Depends might be in someone’s future. And it was coming from the backseat.


I should have kept my mouth shut. Since I’m not known for that, I naively asked, “What’s so funny?” Little did I know it was me.

“Mom,” Older Boy said, in between spasms of laughter, “have you SEEN your arm?”

I then asked stupid question number two. “What’s wrong with it?”

“It sort of just hangs there,” Older Boy said poking it. “You have, like, an arm goiter.”

Younger Boy chimed in. “It’s like tether ball,” he said. “Let’s smack it and see how many times it goes around!”

Charming.

Now I will admit I’ve been lax in my fitness efforts. After getting a brand spanking new resurfaced hip last year, I babied it. I pampered it so much it wouldn’t have been surprising to see me wheeling it around town in a Bugaboo Stroller singing it lullabies.

Actually, I was terrified to use it. And I was under strict orders not to. Not by the doctor but by The Husband. “If I ever see you running again I’ll tackle you,” he told me. But what’s the point of having a new hip if you’re not going to use it?

Since Older Boy took up running, I’ve been a little antsy to lace up my shoes again. But I knew it would have to be on the sly and I’d have to fake a hot flash if busted. I looked forward to everything about running again but one thing: starting over.

It would be just like the day I joined the running craze of the early 1980s. Armed with my copy of The Diet Pepsi Guide to Running, I was twenty-one and ready. The book covered all aspects of becoming road ready – eat plenty of carbs, fat grams are your sworn enemy and hydrate with plenty of, you guessed it, Diet Pepsi. I laced up my pristine white Nikes with a red swoosh and opened the book to the training schedule: Day 1: 3 minutes. Surely that was a mistake. Only three minutes? That was the dumbest thing I could imagine if I wanted to be a Real Runner. I was going to Really Run, for a Really Long Time. And I took off down the street like Usain Bolt.

It was the first and last time that I ever ran that fast.

Two minutes and forty-seven seconds later I was lying on my back in the front yard red-faced and gasping. But I got my first taste of those brain tingling endorphins – the runner’s high. And I was hooked.

Then I got up the nerve to enter my first race. And I was slow. Really slow. A three-legged dog beat me. Old folks outside Dosker Manor Nursing Home offered me hits off their oxygen. They were rolling up the chutes when I got to the finish.

One race under my running shorts, I decided my goal was to run a marathon before I was impossibly old at forty. I beat my self-imposed deadline (the only thing I’ve ever beaten) by a mere three weeks.

At thirty-nine, I was trying to outrun what I thought was the first mile marker for middle-age. At forty-eight, it’s a lot more complicated because now I’m trying to outrun arm goiters, a meno-pot and the occasional hot flash.

But I’m going for it.

It won’t be pretty. It won’t be fast. But I don’t care; I’m gonna kick some asphalt anyway. At least until I get cold-cocked by my arm goiter.

These running socks were apparently designed by and for the peri-menopausal woman.

Disorder in the Court

Older Boy was asking me about my time spent as a prosecutor the other day.  I reminded him that often he'd come to the office with me if I was the attorney on call, the cops would entertain him by spinning him around in the conference room chairs and put State's Exhibit stickers on his head while I prepared a search warrant.  But he wanted to hear about the people.   Here's some of the stories I remembered most of which I couldn't tell him.

A woman came to the window in our office, slams her hand on the counter (the obvious choice to get our attention) and announced, "I need to get a Public Attender!"

An 18-year-old has the extreme lapse of judgment to commit felony robbery 3 days after his birthday.  His mom is mortified, calls me up and has two words for me, "Scare him."  So there we are in big boy court at the poor kid is shaking in his boots.  He's obviously well prepared by his public defender because he's "Yes Ma'aming" the judge.  I almost feel sorry for him.

We're about to go through the part where the judge makes sure he understands the charges and all of the costs he could be responsible for by pleading guilty.  The judge says her spiel, he has to repeat it back. All of us in the courtroom know this by heart and barely listen.  But on that day, our young defendant added a new unexpected twist.  The judge said to him, ". . . and you understand that you can be held responsible for the costs of prosecution?"  Eager defendant replied, "Oh yes ma'am, I know I have to pay the cost of prostitution."  Maybe he wasn't as innocent as I thought.

My final favorite was from a defendant's sentencing statement where they have to write their version of the crime. Usually it is a long stream of consciousness tomb that goes from DNA to the present.  It typically rambles on how their momma didn't love them and their daddy left when they were a baby ending with "and that's why I done it."  But this was the first and only one I can recall that was so honest and accurate, and therefore memorable.  A female defendant wrote three simple words that truly summed it up, "I f#&^ed up."  Now that's a statement.

Ready or Not

When I was a kid, the catchy airline jingle was "Delta is ready when you are" voiced over the scene of a giant jetliner cruising along in a clear blue sky with snow capped mountains in the background.  But times have changed.  Now it's more like, "Delta - we're ready whenever we damn well feel like it."

The Husband left to do his little teaching gig in New York.  When I dropped him off at the airport for his flight on Northwest/Delta, he did have a one very large suitcase holding stuff he never wears around here like ties.  He got on the plane.  Apparently his luggage had other plans. 

Now it would be different if he played hide-and-seek with the suitcase.  If he left it somewhere in the airport and at check in told the agent, "Find it!" perhaps I would be more understanding here.  But no. He, along with everyone else on this overbooked flight schelpped it up to the counter and heaved it onto the scale.  The ticket agent took it. A baggage dude put it on the plane.  When they decided there was too much weight on the plane, said baggage dude played eenie-meenie-miene-mo and pulled nineteen pieces of luggage off the plane, one of which belonged to The Husband.

This conundrum is further compounded by the fact that Delta and Northwest are in the process of becoming one airline.  One airline whose computer programs apparently are currently incapable of communicating with each other.  So he flew Northwest.  His bag flew Delta and went the scenic route through Salt Lake, Cincinnati and then New York probably in the ever-elusive quest to snag some airline miles. 

Dare I say that the customer service 800-number has been less than helpful?  They are very good at pointing out the obvious - "We don't know where your bag is."

Like I had to call to know that.

They seem to lack a basic understanding of the concept behind customer service.  Having worked my way through college in said industry, I am well aware of the meaning.  Now the customer, that would be the one paying you for goods or services, is entitled to be dealt with in a helpful and courteous manner.  Back when I worked in it, there was the added credo of The Customer is Always Right. 

Har-de-har-har.

I had to wear to a god awful polyester uniform to my hotel job where I worked ten-hour shifts at the front desk on weekends.  It was a three piece suit, turd brown in color, with a bow tie.  And it looked every bit as awful as it sounds.  But I had to have a greet each guest with a smile while wearing this fashion disaster even though they were about the chew on my ass because the ham and cheese omelet they had for breakfast was posted twice on their account.  My bad.

There were a few perks.  Free meals, which any college student will tell you is a great deal.  And there were celebrity citings since our hotel was next to a major concert venue.  I saw Billy Joel in the lobby one Sunday and caught a glimpse of Stevie Wonder once just to name a few.  But these alone do not make up for a crappy, minimum wage job where people spend a good deal of time yelling at you for things that are not your fault. 

Nevertheless, you still have to smile and be nice.  And at the very least, pretend to care.

But these days, I'm just not feeling the love.

After countless calls to the Why Are You Calling And Interrupting My Free Cell Game -1-800 number, they finally told me there was nothing they could do today because my airport was closed.  This was 3:00 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon.  What they didn't know is that I can see the airport from my front yard.  So I decided to pay a visit to see if perhaps they were willing or able to help me.  A very kind woman did just that, told me it had been expedited and should be arriving as we spoke. 

But that didn't exactly happen. 

Turns out, I could have driven it there faster.  And next time, I probably will.  Because it got there three days after the fact.

Delta, I have been less than enamoured with you since the one and only time I ever flew your airline the toliet was broken.  So I sat cross-legged and miserable for my two hour flight.  Let's just hope you pay more attention to detail with the hydraulic system and the engines that you do to the luggage collection and having a functioning  pooper.  Because I am not impressed.  And your CEO is about to get a letter, not that he will give a shit any bigger than the customer service folks.  But that's okay, it'll make me feel a lot better.

Of course, it doesn't help that all this is happening while my hormones are on a playful jaunt through peri-menopause land. 

Delta, I'm ready - for a road trip.

Interestingly, upon leaving the airport the car in front of me had the bumper sticker "Practice Random Acts of Kindness."  How about "Practice Random Acts of Competence?"  I would find that even more surprising.

A Very Close Call

In my lifetime with dogs, I have never, ever had anything like this happen.  It still freaks me out and I can't believe it happened.

It was a near tragedy.  All because of this:

The real culprit in this case was the family size bag.

Now what could a Cheetos bag possibly have to do with this?

The answer is lots. 

It was a Saturday night this summer.  Younger Boy was on a sleepover and we were hanging out watching movies with Older Boy.  Around midnight, we went outside to look at the stars.  I specifically picked up anything Leo could get ahold of, including the empty family-size Cheetos bag Older Boy had finished during the movie and put it up where I thought the pup couldn't get it.

Turns out I was wrong.

We weren't outside more than ten minutes.  When we came in, I thought it was one of those "Ha ha ha, look at the puppy, isn't he cute?" moments. "Look, he fell asleep in the bag of Cheetos," I told the boys as they came in. But a sense of dread crept over me as I realized he hadn't jumped up the second he heard us come back in the house.

Leo didn't move.

I pulled the Cheetos bag off his snout.

Leo didn't move.  Because Leo wasn't breathing.

We start poking and prodding him, screaming his name. 

Leo didn't budge. 

The Husband went into his medical emergency mode from years of training.  In fourteen years of dental/orthodontic practice, he has never (thankfully) had to use any of his life saving skills that he is required to practice and renew every year.  Until now.

He started chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth on the puppy, which of course doesn't work because a human can't form a seal given the shape of the dog's mouth.  In a fit of quick thinking, he sealed Leo's snout with his hand and did mouth-to-nose. 

Nothing.

All I can do is unhelpfully stand there screaming and crying.  After several minutes without success, The Husband sadly looked up at me and said, "He's gone. I'm sorry."

There is a relatively new 24-hour vet place about five minutes from our house.  I'm screaming we have to try.  We have to take him.  The Husband gently informed me that we should go, but it is to take his body there.  He picked up Leo, whose lifeless body hung limply over his arms like a wet towel.  I'm still shrieking we have to move faster. 

The Husband gently placed him in the back of the Subaru and we exceed the speed limit en route.  Older Boy in the back seat said, "Mom, I think I hear something."  It's hard to imagine he could hear anything over my howling.  I choked back the sobs and tell him to not to get his hopes up.

After we arrived, The Husband walked to the entrance slowly because we all know this is going to be a sad, sad final walk. There was no need to move quickly because the dog was dead.  When I lifted the hatchback, however, I experienced one of the most shocking moments of my life.

Leo was alive.

He's lying there, looking dazed and confused, shaking his head.  Of course, I screamed, "He's alive, he's alive!" The Husband comes running, picked him up and whisked the slighty stunned puppy into the back room of the vet office.  I hope they will administer drugs to me.  We tried to fill out paperwork but are shaking too badly to hold a pen.  At that point, we also noticed that none of us are wearing shoes.

A kind woman escorted us to a waiting area. About four minutes later, the vet brought Leo in on a leash who seemed to bear no ill-effects of the near tragic experience.  "This dog was looking at the light," the vet said, looking about as shocked as us.  "All his vital signs are good, but let's watch him for the next hour or so to be sure."  So we sat in the vet room, shoeless and shivering in the air-conditioning, waiting and watching.

Leo was fine.

He sniffed around the room until he grew bored.  Then he sat at the door and looked at us with an expression that said, "I'm ready to go now, what are you people waiting for?"  When the vet came back in, he told The Husband that his quick thinking saved Leo's life. 

A call from our regular vet on Monday morning confirmed The Husband's herioc status.  "Do you know the odds of reviving a dog that has stopped breathing?" she said.  "It's very small.  Your quick thinking saved his life."  Not only do I have my dog back, I also have a hero.

I'm one lucky woman.  One who will never, ever have Cheetos in her house again.

Remember kids, junk food really can kill.

Puppy Love

Seventy pound Leo who is under the misguided impression that he's a lapdog.

I have written before about my pup, Leo the Destructo Dog and Obedience School Dropout.  I even wrote a column, which I am reprinting below, in praise of his puppy breath.  But this column, which appeared in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle on August 1, 2009, was almost a posthumous one. 

I have actually had nightmares about it, but I'll tell more about that tomorrow.


Puppy Love

The kids were older. Life seemed settled. And I wondered what to do next. Too old for another baby, I did the only reasonable thing I could think of: I got a puppy.


There’s no two ways about it; I’m a dog person. Always have been, always will be.

I’ve had a dog (or two) by my side since I took my first steps. I’m so used to having a four-legged friend that I couldn’t resist a wiggly bunch of puppies that I spotted surrounding a bowl of milk when I was a Peace Corps Volunteer. The Husband and I knocked on the door and asked if we could buy one of the tiny creatures. The woman gave us a puzzled look, rolled her eyes and said, “Take one. Take them all.” We picked out a female, who we named Crash, and rode off on our bikes before the woman could change her mind.

What can I say? I’m a sucker for puppy breath.

Crash turned out to be a clever, slightly timid mutt who knew her place in the canine lineup of our village pack of dogs. She was smart enough to avoid the snarling conflicts that would erupt and fast enough to jump in when the pack was distracted in a brawl. Crash had been such an integral part of our life; I couldn’t bear to leave her behind. So I didn’t.

Upon our arrival back home, our shy hound morphed into the Queen of Mean and Fierce Protector of the Castle. She got a sister, a soulful-eyed, black lab named Shelby with an obsession with tennis balls and any body of water. But Crash remained the sovereign ruler of her domain. She endured three cross country moves and two real-life babies. Despite her obsessive devotion to our family, Crash hated everyone else. And she wasn’t afraid to go Cujo on anyone who dared enter her kingdom.

And then one day I realized that my faithful, slightly eccentric companion was old. Even at fourteen, Crash still liked her walks even if they were shorter. But her face was turning white and her eyes started to look rheumy even though the vet said Crash possessed hybrid tenacity, which I assumed was vet-speak for good mutt genes.

“It’s time to get a puppy,” I told The Husband starting to choke up. “I need a back up dog, for when . . .” I couldn’t even say it. So that’s when Hank joined the family. A shelter pup that someone found in a dumpster, this tiny ball of fur morphed into an exceedingly goofy, yet regal looking, faux Golden Retriever who is prone to excess drool. Crash lived three more years; I’m pretty sure out of spite.

When it was just Hank, I started to get wistful for the jingling of another collar. “We can just look,” I said as we drove toward the shelter. But when that tiny tornado of black, brown and white fur dove into my lap it was love at first sight.

Guess I’m still a sucker for puppy breath.

Leo is a party on four legs. Whether it’s been five minutes or five hours, he greets you like you’re Bob Barker and he won the showcase. He doesn’t just wag his tail; he wags his whole body with an unbridled enthusiasm that is pure canine joy. Despite weighing seventy pounds now, Leo operates under the delusion that he’s a lap dog. Although he looks like he was put together from a box of spare dog parts, I don’t care. I’m smitten.

So I guess I’ll always have a bad case of puppy love. At least as long as there’s puppy breath.

Sweet Shelby, Bless His Heart Dumb, Hank and the Queen of Mean, Crash.

Naughty by Nature

I had a change of heart regarding my Speaking in Tongues - Part I post and will put it back on the blog in the very near future.  Isn't the purpose of a blog to have a forum to say exactly what you want? 

I am naughty.  A little potty-mouthed.  Downright bawdy at times.  Extremely sarcastic.  A friend once told me (you know who you are) "you are funny because you see the world through smart ass goggles."  

So this is my place to be an even bigger smart ass.

Virginia Woolf needed a room of her own.  I need a place to say the f-word, or any other combination of  words I choose. 

So there.

It's just like my theory on television and censorship - if you don't like it, you can always change the channel. Or turn it off. 

But I'm really hoping you won't. 

Speaking in Tongues - Part I

Post deleted 9-12-09. While it was extremely cathartic to write, it was very, very naughty. If you happened to read it, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed a real mother.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Maybe it was just me, but today the sky was just a little more blue. Sounds were a little more clear. And I think that Mr. Bluebird landed on my shoulder if only for a moment. But what was the reason for this Zippity-Do-Dah kind of day?

The most wonderful time of the year for Stay-At-Home-Moms, the first day of school, of course.

I'm sure a collective sigh from SAHMs went up across the valley at 8:31 a.m.

Teachers, we love you.

The Piano Man

Older Boy announced he wanted to go to Europe with the language class during spring break, a plan that I fully support. But there was only one major question: how to pay for this little adventure.

I love travel. I believe in travel. I wish someone would pay me to travel. But I also know that if you don't work for something, you don't have the same level of appreciation for it. So we decided that Older Boy had to earn half the money to take the trip.

When trying to figure out what to do for fundraising, I asked a friend who'd been through the drill years ago for some advice. "What are his talents?" she asked. "He's pretty good at the piano," I told her. "So have him play," she said. So we did.

While he did the requisite lawn mowing, pet sitting and flower watering this summer, the bulk of his fundraising time was spent twice a week on Main Street. Armed with my electronic keyboard, a homemade sign and a donation jar, he played everything from Maple Leaf Rag to Misty. And he rocked.

Not only did he make some cash, he ended up with some great stories too. Like the day he met the French tourists, young cute women, who stood and watched him, put money in his jar and before leaving, kissed his cheek. Or the jazz society patrons stopped at a red light who jumped out of the car with a fist full of ones for him. Or the day he found a fifty dollar bill in the jar. People wished him luck, took his picture and video taped him.

He also ended up with some fans. One afternoon at a burger joint a young guy came up to him and said, "You're the kid that plays piano on Main Street - you're awesome, dude." Another day, I was sitting on the park bench across the street when two young men were going into the bookstore. "Did you hear that kid playing the piano across the street?" one guy said to his friend. "Yeah, he really rocks," was the reply.

I think he learned a lot - about people and about himself. And in the process, he earned almost $1200 this summer. No small feat for a kid. And I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of his efforts.

But he'll take to Europe more than the cash that he earned himself. He'll take with him the knowledge of the effort it takes to earn a buck. And if you know how much work it takes to earn it, you are certainly more careful about how you spend it.

I think it's pretty cool that he wants to continue playing on Saturdays in the fall. And I think it's a pretty safe bet that he's going to make half his money as we agreed.

I also know that if I ever need a quick buck, I'm going to dust off my piano skills and hit the street. But I'll never make as much as he did. I'm just not as cute. Or as talented.

The World According to the 13-year-old

Older Boy is 13. Dare I say, very 13. (My mother is quick to remind me that I was very 13 once myself.) And he isn't afraid to call it as he sees it. His observations lack that one, often crucial ingredient - tact.

So it was no great surprise while we were in the truck the other day, he started laughing in the backseat. "Mom, you should see your arm, like where your tricep should be. It's an arm goiter!" he announces breaking into another spasm of laughter. Of course, Younger Boy joins right in.

Then Older Boy reaches up to give the arm goiter a poke with his finger. "Look! It's like a tether ball game. Let's see how many times we can make it go around."

Charming.

Then one night I'm standing in the kitchen after a long day of yard work. I'd just showered and put on one of The Husband's really big, old gray t-shirts. Older Boy walks in, looks me up and down says, "Mom, you're kind of letting yourself go here. You're one step away from a trailer park in that. All you need is a baby bump and a cigarette." And then he gives me that final look of "don't ever show up in public to pick me up looking like that."

I couldn't agree more.

Da Plane! Da Plane!

While I wasn't wearing a crisp white suit, a la Fantasy Island's Tattoo, I was standing outside staring at the sky watching for Air Force One. And here is the reward for waiting!

I would have loved to have been there but this is a pretty cool consolation prize.

Destructo Dog Strikes Again

It looks like the hot tub offended the Lord of the Manor.
It appears that cookbooks of the low-calorie persuasion piss him off too.

I won't complain, though. At least he's still here. But I still can't bring myself to write about that traumatic experience. Not yet anyway.

A Better Way to Mow

Our forward thinking HOA Board of Directors decided to hire these guys to do the annual yard maintenance of mowing and weeding this year. It was pretty cool to have them out back in the common area, even if it was only for a day. I cast my vote to keep them full time.

There were several nursing moms and babies in the flock? gaggle? (not sure what a group of goats are called). Watching the babies ram their moms before they would latch on to nurse made me think that if human babies did that, many of us would have reconsidered the whole nursing thang.

A Wedding March to Remember

This Minnesota couple's wedding march posted on You Tube is the most clever wedding march (and I use the term loosely) that I have ever had the pleasure to see. You have to check it out. If they had this much fun entering the church to get married, I can only imagine what a happy future they'll have together. Thank you two for not taking yourselves so seriously and making your ceremony completely your own.

Back to the Real World

For some, thinking about Europe this month brings to mind the Tour de France. But for me this month in Europe represented the Tour de Biergartens.Because I was going to Germany and Austria.

Now admittedly, I was even more nervous flying this time since the Air France Airbus vanished midflight in June. I knew this flight would involve white knuckles, hyperventilation and most assuredly the use of prescription pharmaceuticals. Of course, I never contemplated cancelling the trip, even I am logical enough to realize the stupidity of that thought. But I did contemplate horse tranquillizers.

But on my arrival in Munich, I knew I'd found the land of my people. A place where beer for breakfast is not entirely out of the question. A place where you can find a biergarten on almost every corner. And I did my very best to hit every one in Munich and Salzburg not to mention all points in between. Not to pat myself on the back but I must say, job well done.

But now sadly it is back home to the real world, real life and real big loads of laundry. For now anyway. But I will return to the land of my grandfathers to refill my giant beer mug and sit in the shade of the chestnut trees. I am smitten. And how can you not love a country that sells beer, right alongside the Snickers, in the vending machine at the airport hotel?

It's a Kid's Life - Part 2

At exactly what point do we lose the ability to spend an entire afternoon doing this?

I, for one, am going to follow his lead.

Life's too short to be too serious.

And just for the record, I did NOT require that he suit up like this to soak in the hot tub. Although it wouldn't be a huge stretch since I am a Sikorsky when it comes to helicopter parenting.

Who Would Have Imagined?

Today marks our anniversary - over 20 years now. We were standing in front of a judge in a small town in Colorado right about now.

That is particularly difficult for me to fathom. Especially given the fact that I would never stay in the same apartment after my one year lease expired.

So here's to the next 20. Let the adventure, and the laughs, continue.

I'm pretty damn lucky. Honey, you rock.

It's a Kid's Life

These somewhat disturbing images from several years ago show what kids do when they are really, really bored (read: you have put the kibosh on all things with screens and helpfully suggest that they play outside) and they have to actually find ways to amuse themselves. Turns out, they usually end up having a good time in spite of not having to use their thumbs.

Lord of the Manor

And I thought I was in charge here.

Happy Pappy's Day

The thing that makes pappy happy. . .

I don't think he's all that interested in lawn beautification. I think it's just because it's the only time that he doesn't have to talk to anyone.

Never Too Old To Rock and Roll

Last night, we watched the documentary, Young at Heart about a singing group of 80 somethings. This group sang everything from the Ramones to Bruce Springsteen to Coldplay.

And they rocked.

If you are not inspired and completely moved by this outstanding group of seniors, something is seriously wrong with you. We should all aspire to be rockin' like this in our golden years.

Check out this documentary and the Young at Heart Website. Prepare to rock out! You will be amazed.

http://www.youngatheartchorus.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3uOOhm8Fj8

Hugs Anyone?

I've been reading Patti Digh's book, Life is a Verb. Today I got to the section called, Give Free Hugs, where she talked about Juan Mann's Free Hug project and video. Figuring it had to be on You Tube, I looked it up.It's a great illustration that one person really can make a difference - yes, I am an idealistic fool at heart. But it made me think, wouldn't this world be so much better if we were all a little more connected instead of strangers to one another?

Watching this video might be about as nice as a hug. So what the heck, pass it on. Go hug somebody. Right now. Go on. I double dog dare you.

XOXOXO

http://freehugscampaign.org/

A Smile On A Dog

A long time ago, my youngest asked me "Why can't dogs laugh?"

I can't answer that one, but looking at these pictures, I'm pretty sure they can smile.

Religion, is a smile on a dog. - from the song What I Am by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians 1988

End of an Era - A Comedy in One Act

Yesterday was my baby's last day of elementary school. Hard to believe that after eight years of walking those halls that smelled of crayons, tablet paper and library books, I never have a reason to go there again. Although I've never been a Dwell in the Past Person, it made me just a little wistful. So what's a mom to do?

Embarrass the hell out of him, of course.

Each year, the school holds a ceremony for the departing fifth graders. Even though I didn't attend the planning meeting, the committee asked me to write a song (hello, I'm a column writer thankyouverymuch). "Just a little something funny, you do funny, right?" Well, I sure try.

After thinking about it, I decided I could write a funny song - a rap. Because, of course, what would be funnier than a bunch of middle-aged moms trying to act like Snoop Dog and friends. Thus begins my career as a Rapper Mom, or Ms. D as one of the moms renamed me. And the kids didn't have a clue.

A go-to group of moms was completely game for this little project. Not only were they game, they were frighteningly into it. In fact, for maximum embarrassment, I recruited all of the fifth grade moms (only had about twelve takers though) to join us on stage.

The teacher set it up for us as a serious "presentation" and then I introduced it, not yet in costume. And as I'm sure always happens with just such stage events, there were glitches. Like the HUGE screen that blocked the stage not going up (we'd practiced bustin our moves like we'd have the whole stage and the other moms behind us). And in a fit of complete anxiety, not only did I manage to turn off the keyboard with my preprogrammed rhythms but turned it back on with the WRONG beat entirely - but close enough where it didn't matter. But thankfully no one experienced a wardrobe malfunction like Janet Jackson in our little production. Talk about scarred for life.

So, yo yo fifth grade moms, this is a shout out to all of you real mothers out there whose kids will go into middle school with the knowledge that their mother can, and will, embarrass them if necessary.

(edited 6-12-09 to add photo of Kris-co)

Enough Already

You never know what's enough until you know what's more than enough - William Blake.

William Blake may have said it first but this story, author unknown, really sums it up for me. Maybe if we'd all slow down, read Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin, we'd all have a better appreciation of what life is really all about. In a way, that has been one positive that has come out of this crappy economy- we have had to pull focus and realign our priorities. It's not about "she who has the most toys wins." I was sick of that mentality. That's why sometimes I think the Europeans "get it" better than we do.

Here's the story - as I said author is unknown. I only wish I'd written it.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replied, only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

The fisherman asked, “Then what?”

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions.. Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

A Late Salute to Mother's Day

I found this video on You Tube, too late for Mother's Day but it felt like looking into the future at my house. Come to think of it, it feels a little like that now.

Open Season

It's that time of year where Gus transforms into Caddyshack's groundskeeper, Carl Spackler. He wanders the yard mumbling incoherently. And the only thing that will make him happy is greasy, grimy gopher guts.

When we got home last night, the gophers looked like they were having a beach party. I fully expected to see tiny beach umbrellas, coolers and a little gopher volleyball game there were so many of them. This threw Gus into a complete tizz and he and the boys raided the garage for the gopher smoke bombs.

The neighbor, who was also out battling gophers, offered them his pellet gun. Being a city dweller, and a female, I just don't get it. (this reminds me of the guy at the hunter safety class who said his gun would turn the gophers into a "red mist") Watching them (the boys, that is) you would think they were on the trail of an 8 point buck, not a rodent that weighs mere ounces.

Watch out Carl, Gus is going to give you a run for your money. If I hear the strains of Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright" and see a dancing gopher, I'm outta here.

Mayo Clinic Couple Rocks

If this doesn't make you smile, nothing will.

A Slight Problem

After beginning to put the house back together, I realize I have a slight problem - an overabundance of books. I'm running out of places to put them all as evidenced by the stash I found sporting a quilt-like layer of dust under the bed. I think I need Readers Anonymous.

It's Getting Better All the Time

This is a dramatic improvement. . .

My New Best Friend

I never thought I'd be smitten with a piece of HVAC equipment, but I predict we'll be inseparable. As I have discovered recently, women of a certain age (that would be me) should not have to sweat anymore.

Dave Lennox, I love you.

Still Improving

When in doubt, tear up the whole house at once. I realized that the bedroom carpet was coming but hadn't painted (even though I had over a month's notice) - can you say procrastinate? So we emptied the bedroom, furiously painted while the old, crapastic carpet was still there (installed on Election Day 2000 - I remember having a fairly heated political discussion with the installer). When this is finished, I know I will love it - it's just getting there that sucks.

Out with the Old

As you will notice, I have not been writing - this is why. That's right it's home improvement time. I started with the downstairs bathroom, which looked like it had been finished with whatever was on sale. Functional but an ugly melange of flooring and counter tops. Not that I'm all that into aesthetics.

So since the toilets were 20 years old, rusted and leaky we decided to go for it. Visitors were not allowed to use the bathroom without detailed instructions - "First, you turn the water on for the toilet, use the rusty handle. Here's the toilet brush and the plunger. When you flush, pray. Then get ready to run." Needless to say we don't have many friends anymore.

So here I am disconnecting the sink and unhooking the vanity from the wall. I am just glad there's no soundtrack with this photo, because I'd have to include a parental advisory here. Now looking at the picture I realize it looks like either I was severely injured in the process of doing so or a homicide has taken place in the cabinet. I will spare you the disgusting task of pulling the toilet. It was just as foul as one would imagine.

As a total fan of HGTV, I was disappointed to discover that this project was not magically finished in the 30 minutes it takes for me to watch a show. They so lie.

Everybody Needs Red Shoes

Apparently even sprinters. Maybe I could use some too.

This is Crazy Legs after coming in 2nd in the 100m. He didn't get it from me. I'm built for comfort, not for speed.

Begging for Mercy

No Mercy? No kidding.

A Shout Out for All Real Mothers on Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day and I can hear the wrecking crew busily doing something in the kitchen. I have been banished to the basement. . .

In honor of all real mothers out there, here is my column from yesterday's Chronicle.

>“Hey Mom, where’s my ski helmet?” “Hey Mom, have you seen my homework?”

I know why my mother is losing her hearing: she wants to. After raising this chatterbox, she’s used up her allotment of hearing for this lifetime. She doesn’t want to listen to anyone anymore about anything. And I can see the very same thing happening to me.

“

"Hey Mom, do I have to practice piano today? Hey Mom, how long till Christmas?”

I haven’t had a complete thought over fourteen years. It started when I was pregnant. During pregnancy, your brain starts to short circuit in preparation for your child’s vocabulary development. Much like your body prepares for labor and delivery; hormones now help your brain vaporize all coherent thoughts upon formation.

“Hey Mom, what’s a prism? Hey Mom, where’s the milk?”

It begins as we coo over our adorable little bundles of joy. Operating under the delusion that our child is a Genius Baby, we mentally transform what in reality is a belch into their first complete sentence at 8 weeks of age. Before long, when the authoritative parenting books tell us they should know nine words, we’re quite certain that our intellectually superior tyke is actually saying sixty. Before long they really do know 300 words and use them all - before you’ve sucked down your first cup of morning coffee.

"Hey Mom, how do you find the area of a parallelogram? Hey Mom, how many days till school’s out?"

When they are babies, the interruptions signal basic needs – feed me, change me, hold me. me. When they are toddlers, the disruptions are physical in your role as Goalie Parent: moving fast enough to keep them out of harm’s way. But once they start talking you enter new and uncharted territory. You cross the threshold into the Stream of Consciousness Parenting Zone where every thought that enters your child’s mind is verbalized the instant it forms. While the inner monologue will eventually develop, don’t count on it anytime soon. Because you are now Mom, Interrupted.

“Hey Mom, why can’t dogs laugh? Hey Mom, how long till I can drive?”

Some women think they can outsmart the immutable laws of language acquisition. But it’s simply not possible. Once you’ve read the same paragraph twenty-three times, wave the white flag. It’s over. You might manage to read a caption in Time Magazine when they’re seven. But save yourself the frustration. You can read after they go to college.

“Hey Mom, where’s Oman? Hey Mom, have you seen my iPod?”

Pretty soon, lobes of your brain actually begin to shut down from the oral assault. The remaining functional lobes now operate more like a strobe light. Your auditory nerve begins to shrivel and go limp like a long forgotten piece of celery in the back of the fridge. You fear your ears might actually bleed if they tell you about that scene from Star Wars. Again.

>“Hey Mom, was there electricity when you were in school? Hey Mom, can we get a pet llama?”

But there will come a day when the interruptions will push you to the breaking point. The resonating sounds of the constant chatter threaten to reduce your ear canal’s hammer, anvil and stirrup into a tiny pile of dust. At some point, years of verbal tap dancing on the acoustic nerve will shrink your patience to zero and you will snap. And just when you think you can’t take it anymore, that’s when. . .

“Hey Mom. . .”

“WHAT??!!”

“I love you.”

Denise Malloy doubts she will get peace and quiet for Mother’s Day. But she remains hopeful.

Bad dog, no biscuit

Who would imagine my cute, generally well-behaved 9 month old puppy would be capable of this?

After being banished back to jail for a few weeks for chewing up my sandals (thankfully they were very old) I figured I could spring him for a few hours.

Bad idea.

When I returned home, Destructo Dog apparently had a little party with whatever he could find chewing up a few books (The Husband's, not mine), festive wrapping paper and the underside of the box spring. But notice the title of the one book that didn't get decimated in his little ramapage.

Maybe he can read. . .